Run down week

Well in some accounts I am feeling better, in other matters; worse.  My issues with my husband are out of mind now.  They are still there and I can’t help it, but there’s no way on this planet I’m going to get him to understand that he needs to stop using the credit cards to buy his toy trains and after the now $1,400 he’s charged buying this stuff, I’ve just given up. 

What difference does it make and why should I care so much?  Just because I pay the bills and have to monitor and maintain the checkbook vs. the credit cards and he doesn’t pay any attention to what’s due when and how much we owe.. should that mean I should be stressing myself sick about the bills each month?  Screw it. He doesn’t. Why should I.

All my screaming and yelling or pleading and begging is not going to make him get off his spending spree tangents.. in 6 1/2 years of knowing him, I’ve never known him to use common sense and logical thinking over his own selfishness and momentary infatuations.  This  point is no different and yet each time he goes on a spending rampage buying all kinds of crap that he’s going to lose interest in inside of a month or so, I fight him tooth and nail because I don’t want him spending the money.  Then he accuses me of being selfish and the arguments just erupt from there.  So to hell with it.  He is now charging behind my back, without telling me about different things he’s charging, and he’s using my money which I have saved up in the joint account to spend like it’s his on his trains.

He’s paid me back every other time he’s used my money and he’ll pay me back this time around, and he is no longer getting an “allowance” every week because he’s got to pay back the credit card.  So we’ll see how long that will last.

My guess is, he’ll lose interest in the trains in about 4 weeks (so, end  of June/early July) and the money he was supposed to pay back to the Mastercard he will want back every week after that to buy some new infatuation. Mark my words.

I just don’t give a damn.  I will concentrate on my new horse, and am no longer concerned about him using or showing his hackney because I can’t stress myself sick over our bills and HIS horses while trying to get things moving with my new lease horse.

Speaking of sick – I am sick.  I’ve actually lost my voice, my throat is killing me and I have been feeling feverish. Hot, cold, hot, cold, hot, cold.  This has been going on for 3 days now and all I can think about is if I miss more work time how will I pay any bills next week and I hope I get better to show my lease horse on Saturday!

Ironic that 3 days before my first horse show in 4 years I end up sick. I tell ya – EVERYTHING with me and horses over the last 18 years has been nothing but an uphill struggle and this is a perfect example.  Why can’t I just be healthy like I am every other day? I NEVER get sick. NEVER! And here I am with a sore throat and hot flashes and I can’t talk, and I’ve got a horse show in 3 days.

It’s because I’m so run down over the things with my husband and the past 2 weeks straight I’ve going without a break. Every weeknight we have something going on until 7 or 8 pm or later and every weekend for the last 3 straight we’ve been running around non stop and on top of that there’s the stress of the bills, the arguments, and the issues over this stuipd train set in our yard and then the horse shows and getting ready and going to them.

I’m just wiped. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. I can’t believe I let him bring me to tears the other day, either. I think that’s when I started getting sick – right after that. Within minutes. I have no doubt that my sickness this week is directly related to the stress he causes me and since I can see what it’s doing to me, I have decided I am no longer going to let it happen.

I don’t care anymore (also now in writing) about the bills. I’m only going to pay the minimums on everything and never a dime more anymore since obviously I can’t pay anything off anyway, and I’m done concerning myself about him using the credit cards.


Now I just want to get better so I can go horse show 🙂



About kshai1715

I am a lifelong equestrian, photography enthusiast, sci-fi lover, and sci-fi convention & costuming geek that also loves movies and video games. I am a hard working 30 something woman that survived cancer and am looking forward to a long, healthy, self-empowered life. Welcome to my blog and I hope you enjoy reading about my horses (and the rest of my life) as much as I like writing about them.
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