I’m generally an unstable emotional roller coaster. This I realize. Most of the time, I have my highs and lows and dips and turns and loops, but I stay on track still through it all. Something, my cart goes off the track and I lose it. I’m having one of those days.
I already posted this morning about how my husband was supposed to horse show, but he let some clouds in the sky stop him, and then blamed me for not pushing him to do it. Yep. I do everything… EVERYTHING, just to get him to drive his champion pony that we picked up for a handful of pocket change that turned out to be the best animal I’ve met. On a typical day, I go to the barn myself, work the pony, groom the pony, and then hear the excuses my husband makes about why he didn’t go to the barn. On the days he does come to the barn, I get the pony, groom the pony, tack the pony up while my husband stands there, I supervise and/or instruct (if I’m allowed to) my husband and do my best to teach him. He didn’t learn to drive on his own – I taught him, and we worked the pony together and they became winners, mostly because the pony already had it in him. When they’re done, I hand walk the pony to cool him, untack him, rub him down with liniment and put him back. My husband? He sits around and watches. On yet other days, I work the mini, which is also my husbands. And if I ever refer to either of these animals as mine, my husband is very quick to correct me in any sort of demeaning and nasty way he can.
So here I am with nothing for myself in my life, anymore – nothing at all. I am miserable in my life, and miserable about horses, and basically hate everything. I know deep down inside somewhere that I”m no rider anymore. That everything I used to think I could accomplish in life is gone- there’s no chance of it anymore and my life only consists of two prospects anymore – serving my husband on every level imaginable and never having anything of my own anymore.
There once was a time that I used to be good at riding. I used to be a good rider. I could ride anything, handle everything, and just about jump any horse over any fence. I would win at shows, not always, but enough to make it enjoyable and worth doing. And even if I was only jumping 2’6″, I still felt like I was the best rider in the world because I could do it – I was doing it – and I was seeing a difference (a good one) in the horses I was riding. Then one day, all that was gone. My confidence was gone, my abilities were gone, and somewhere along the way, I think my desire to do it was lost too. And then I started saving a few pennies and it turned out to be at least what I thought was enough to go buy a horse and give it one more try, but everytime I think about doing it, the hand that watches over me slaps me so hard I hit the ground ten steps behind where I was standing.
Everything I have ever tried in life I’ve failed at. I’ve never proven to be good or useful at anything – except, for a time, riding. And now all that is gone. It’s so far gone that it’s literally painful to try to get back to it. So what’s the point I ask? My husband should have shown his pony today . There’s absolutely no reason he couldn’t have gone. I would have liked that. Instead, he worked on his truck, tried to fix something with my vehicle which is still broken, and now he’s finally working on my dollhouse, after I have spent most of the week bitching at him for not looking at it for the last 4 weeks. Like everything else in his life, including me, he loses interest if the project takes too long. The novelty wears off.
I am angry. I’m bitter and spiteful and hateful and angry and unhappy. I wanted him to show his pony today and I wanted to have a glimmer of my life that I used to have back. I wanted to find that piece of myself that I’ve been fighting so hard to keep. I keep talking here about change, letting go, moving on, and yet I still can’t seem to do it – I still keep going back to looking for horses and still keep trying to get back the life I had more than 10 years ago now. I do want it back so badly, but I just know I can’t.
I also enjoy photography, and while I’m not good at it at all, I like it. Like everything else in my life, it’s just something I do and something I’m terrible at. But I’ve been wanting to get a new short-range zoom lens for my camera as the one I have just isn’t working right. So today, upon a trip to the camera store to get some pictures back I ordered, I bought a good lens, a little better than the one I have that isn’t working right and $200. I chose to charge it instead of use my “horse money” for it. And my husband flipped. Told me I was being greedy and selfish and he should be able to go charge a $200 part for his truck because I just upped and bought something for myself. So I returned the lens. Because I can’t have something if I don’t have permission. While we’ve been spending the charge card on getting him new show clothes, ironically for horse shows he’s probably not going to go to for some reason that will be “my fault”, it’s OK to spend hundreds of dollars on a good shirt, tie, lap robe, sport coat, and hat and show driving whip for him, but I can’t spend $200 on a lens I’ve been wanting for over a year?
So I’m angry about that too. Maybe I am being selfish and everything. I’m just not giving up EVERY LAST BIT of myself to my husband and I’m still trying to desperately cling to something – anything- that I can find within myself that makes me. Stupid me. How dumb I am. I forgot that I’m only existing now to make sure my husband is happy with everything in his life and my life is irrelevant.
So anyway, there’s no harm done. I’ve returned the lens. And my money I’ve saved up for a horse? That’s going too. I’m going to use it to pay off the charge card that has been racked up – buying my husband computer hard drives and back up memory and lights for his truck and plants for the house and tires for the trailer for transporting his cart to horse shows he’s probably not going to go to anyway. As long as the money’s being spent on him, it’s OK. And it doesn’t matter that we have 5 credit cards to pay each month, just as long as all that money is for stuff he wanted. I’m still hearing about the money I dropped in things for the dollhouse – $500 in one shot for supplies, most of which he picked out, but since it’s my dollhouse that was all for me.
So that’s it. It’s a done deal. I have no new lens. I will soon be penniless because I have just enough to pay off this extra credit card, which is due in a couple weeks, and maybe, just maybe, if I’m very very sensible, my husband won’t bitch at me for spending any money on myself.
So now I truly do quit. I quit everything.