I hate being not good enough.

I really do hate not being good enough.  Mostly I try to just get through each day with a smile and at least focus on my work. That gives me something to do.   But frequently in my life, nearly daily, something always comes up to remind me of how much of a failure I am, of how I’m not good at anything, and how I just can’t accomplish even the most basic task.  I find that the second I walk in the door to come back home and see my husband playing video games, the stupid dog that I can’t stand running back and forth, a sink full of dishes and the house a mess, I just immediately become angry. It’s like a switch. Open door, become a bitch. Leave for work, relax.

So in my long list of failures, today topic is photography.  Usually it’s horses, or riding, or just general everything else in life.  I generally live a very stressed out life full of frustration and I am becoming bitter and angry and resentful more and more every day.    I live with a husband who would rather make fun of me and play video games than make love to me, and generally I feel unappreciated, overstressed, overburdened, and not good enough.  Mostly I find him lazy, selfish, and demeaning.

My husband is always quick to point out my flaws. …. I shouldn’t eat so much, I should exercise more, I’m fat, I’m getting fatter, I can’t ride a horse, I can’t do this, and I should do that.  Most of the time it just let it slide. That’s just him.  If he points out my flaws, it takes the pressure and blame off of himself.  It’s my fault that he’s fat, it’s because I have bad eating habits, after all.  It my fault that I’m not attractive enough, because I’m not girly enough and I don’t paint my toe nails or fingernails and I don’t dress slutty.   I hear the complaints from him and I get angry, I hear the excuses and I get bitter, I see the lazy ness and I start screaming, but mostly I just ingnore it, because it doesn’t change.

That’s how my life is.  ALL of my life, I’ve had people abuse me (mentally, emotionally, physically and sexually), and I’ve had people tell me I’m not good enough, or I need to improve on this or that.

Years ago, I had a man that I was sleeping with – he was much, much older than me, and he told me that I was lucky that he was willing to be with me. He said the only reason why is because I have very large breasts.  He said no one would even think about wanting me otherwise.

Now, OK, he was just a heroin addict who was in and out of jail, and is a reflection of a very bad time of my life when I hung around with anybody at all who would be near me, because I had no friends and needed to be accepted by someone, for whatever the reason.  It’s a man like that that broke my virginity. What a shame that I wasted such a treasure on a piece of crap like that. 

But really, my whole life I’ve never been good enough for anyone in my company.  I’ve never been good at anything, and most of my life the only reason I’ve ever had people around me is because they wanted something from me.

  When I bought my first horse, my life became rich (figuratively – I wish literally, LOL) and I found my place, or at least, I found that which I just needed to have, and truly enjoyed.

It’s not like I suddenly blossomed and became a big time successful rider or suddenly found some inner enlightment., I just found what I enjoyed and, although I opted to be judged at horse shows, the horses didn’t judge me.  So my trainer at the time told me I’ll never a Grand Prix ring, I suppose she was right.  I did get up to jumping 4′ and was on track to get to GP’s someday and fulfill my ultimate dream, but then I realized how many hundreds of thousands you need, and well… that dream sort of fizzled away.

Now 7 years later, I can’t even imagine jumping that high again for the life of me.  Mostly my whole life has been in pursuit of finding SOMETHING that I can actually be good at.  Whether I actually succeed or not, at least to find something that I can feel confident about, that I can think to myself hey, I am doing the best I can and I’m really  happy about it, would be great.

I don’t feel happy about where my riding has left me, I don’t feel that I’m any good as a photographer, and any other interest I might have certainly is not close enough to the realm of making me feel good about myself for being good at something.  Although I am proud of my Alien Vs. Predator book I wrote. (see the blog roll)

Anyway, I’m trying to learn photography, and do it well, and mostly I am not happy with my pictures. I only want to photograph horses, but I want to actually good at it, and I’m really not.  From time to time I get a good shot that I really like, but I’m not actually improving. I’m not nearing my goal of having my images published in a magazine, I’m not becoming the photographer I’d like to be.

As my husband would say, this is the year we work on improving me.  He means that I should become happier and serve him with a smile and fulfill all his needs without a second thought to my own wants.  Mostly I do.  One thing I want is a horse.  I told him yesterday that I am saving to buy one, and besides him saying I’ll never be able to save enough, he said he might not want me to get a horse. EXCUSE ME?  When did I start having to ask permission to have the one thing in my life that actually brings me joy. Sorry, honey, it sure as shit isn’t you that makes me happy.  Mostly I’m miserable, angry and stressed, and he thinks I should wait on buying a horse until we get a farm

GOD KNOWS when that will be.  We’ve been married coming up on 6 years, have no money to pay the bills we have, have managed to get ourselved into over $80,000 in debt and he thinks we’ll be able to buy me my dream farm and have all this money to support everything he wants.  He has no plan on how to get there, other than inheritence, which he doesn’t know how much that is, and it could be 10 more years before that happens. It could be a week, who knows, it would just be nice if we had a different plan than that…. and winning the lotto, which hasn’t panned out so far either.

Oh, and my dream farm didn’t include the zoo of animals he wants to get and me slaving to take care of them all.  Animals are expensive to take care of, he had to get a new kitten because we need 4 cats in our mobile home that we can barely afford, but he’s not willing to use his “allowance” to pay for the neuter today. Nope, that comes out of bill money, cutting us short for other bills. And he things we’ll just magically be able to support his dwarf mini, and pig, and goats, and cows, juse because he wants to have them.  All I ever wanted in my life was a 5-7 acre horse farm with a few stalls and a couple horses. Not too hard to deal with that. But suddenly we’ve got to have pigs, goats, cows, miniatures, 3 or 4 dogs… I FRIGGING HATE DOGS and don’t want the one we have, let alone more.  The only thing I want on MY farm is my horses and a bunch of cats.  Instead, I have to deal with my husband getting everyting and me having to take care of it all and stress about the checkbook.    Anyway……..

Now, What was I talking about? Photography. Oh yea, this all has to do with me not being good enough. And because I’m not a good enough photographer, his Custom Avatar toys didn’t sell on eBay.  So I ask my photography how I can improve on my pictures.  The first answer I get… “I agree with your husband they’re not good enough”. 

NO SHIT Ssherlock, I know they’re not good enough. I’ve been bickering with my husband for 2 weeks about these stupid pictures.  I am not capable of taking better pictures. I did my best and told my husband over and over and over that I did the best I could and if he wants better he should do them himself.

Nope, I’m the “photographer”, so he’s making me re do the shots.  Great, awesome. Can’t wait for him to tell me the new shots aren’t good enough. Oh and by the way, in a year or so when I have a couple thousand saved up, I’m buying a horse.

These are the pictures I took.. can you offer me insight on how to take better pictures than these?

         

                                  

Now, I know they’re bad pictures, but the thing is, I don’t know how to improve them.  Now I’ve got to shoot the frigging things because it’s my fault they didn’t sell on eBay, and I’m stressed out and frustrated. I don’t know how to take better indoor, studio style pictures.  So I’m going to try again and of course, they won’t be good enough for my husband.  I’m sorry, what’s the motivation to want to take better pictures here? 

Grr…..

Sometimes I really hate my life.  Thoughts would be really appreciated, and please visit my other websites on the blogroll!

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About kshai1715

I am a lifelong equestrian, photography enthusiast, sci-fi lover, and sci-fi convention & costuming geek that also loves movies and video games. I am a hard working 30 something woman that survived cancer and am looking forward to a long, healthy, self-empowered life. Welcome to my blog and I hope you enjoy reading about my horses (and the rest of my life) as much as I like writing about them. You can feel free to check out my YouTube at http://www.youtube.com/user/yautjakshai
This entry was posted in Buckskin, Dressage, Driving, Hackney, horse, Horses, hunter/jumper, Hunters, Illinois, Jumpers, Photography, Riding, Science Fiction and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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