September is flying by almost without my permission! What a year it’s been. I had a huge list of goals set up for this year, some of which I’ve accomplished, some still to come, and some I did not accomplish at all, nor will I.
I currently have 2 horses out of commission, leaving only Jesse currently working. Chewie has his annual abscess we are addressing. I hope he will be sound enough to do some driving later this week, possibly tomorrow. I have tentative plans to take Jesse to a fun show on Saturday, but there are thunderstorms in the forecast, so we need to see what will happen there.
My hope of getting a truck (or of getting money saved up for a truck) has been a colossal failure and that has been the most disappointing of things out of this year.
In a bitter irony, I also destroyed the small flatbed trailer used for hauling the carts around the other day, so now, even if I could convince my husband to haul me to any trails or events, I can’t go because I have a destroyed trailer.
I had a great idea to “help” around the farm by using my trailer to move woodchips for use under the gates to help with mud control. (It’s been raining so much lately, creating a ton of mud, hence the abscess Chewie is dealing with.)
Unfortunately, moving the woodchip-laden trailer through the mud caused it to get stuck, which resulted in pulling the trailer apart by the frame trying to get it unstuck. It may be reparable, but to be honest, I am questioning whether or not I even want to bother.
The whole point of having this trailer is to use to haul Chewbacca & Luke’s carts so we can go to trails, shows, or other events. However, the whole hauling thing, which has always been a bitter point in my life, is totally contingent on getting my husband to haul the horses in the horse trailer with his truck. So everywhere we go, I need 2 trucks, 2 trailers, and 2 people.
2014 was supposed to be the year that I “made it happen” – by way of getting my own truck… I would absolutely love to replace my 16 year old vehicle with a slightly newer vehicle, and I really want a GMC Yukon in white. With that, I would have also wanted to get a stock trailer large enough to fit both Chewie’s cart and Chewbacca. Thus, if I want to go somewhere, I can, and I don’t need a second, unhappy person who does not want to help or accompany in order to do so.
Obviously, buying a new truck and trailer, in time for being able to do something constructive with my horses in 2015, was a pretty unrealistic goal. To keep a long story short, my husband has not worked in 2 years. Yes, 2 years. One income does not allow for any extra money, so saving up has been a matter of me making and selling crafts, even my photos when and if I can, and I had hoped to buy a pony to sell to raise the money for a truck. That was a failure on a colossal scale.
So I had hoped maybe I could just buy a pick up truck. Something used, something old. Something that could haul the horse trailer and I could load up Chewie’s cart (or Luke’s) into the bed and go where I want. Buying a cheap, sound, but old pick up truck sounds a lot more reasonable, but not when the money just isn’t there. Not only to buy, but to maange to a third vehicle, which means more insurance, more gas, and more potential for breakdowns, not to mention tires, oil changes and the like.
Now as if life threw me one more slap in the face, my only means of hauling the carts at all, has been destroyed. Chewbacca is on the up and up but Luke is quite sore after his recent trim, so as of last night, I literally had just Jesse sound enough to work. My recreational driving hours have tanked for this month, as I’ve barely driven since Labor Day weekend.
Although I can say I have accomplished most of the things I had goals for this year, I really feel wholly unfulfilled this year, and truly feel like I have hit a complete stand still, which has left me questioning more than I want to question.
It’s true that the one thing I’ve always only ever wanted to do in life is to show my horses, and throughout the entire history of my 22 years riding, showing, and owning horses, that has been the exact thing that has been so hard to accomplish.
I have been spending a lot of time thinking about the past, my poor decisions that have led me to where am I now, what I have always wished for, fantasized about and just how far away from those things I have gotten. Things like owning a farm, showing my horses, even just hauling to trails, or anything like owning a truck and trailer of my own, are just so far gone from being possible in my life, it truly is depressing.
Years ago, I thought of nothing but owning a farm, I was certain I would be some kind of professional competitor or something, I guess. When I did get married, the thought never crossed my mind that we would not work towards those goals. That was what I wanted, but I never really stopped to consider the thought that we, as a team, a “partnership”, would not work towards those things, which would be good for both of us, right?
Now, it pains me every day to get up and go to work while my husband sleeps. When I get home around 8 at night, after being gone for 12 hours, after working all day and caring for the horses, he is sitting on the sofa watching TV and I have to cook dinner. It pains me to know that without a second income, my paycheck cannot stretch the 2 week time-span to the next paycheck, and since I do not make enough to even pay the bills, I certainly do not make enough to ever hope to accomplish my goals – a truck/trailer, horse showing, and owning a farm. The things I want so clearly in my mind are exactly the farthest thing from possible.
It kills me that *we* are not working together, in fact, half of us isn’t working at all, and our goals are not, nor have they ever been, the same.
I survived cancer 3 years ago. He survived cancer 5 years ago. We have much to be grateful for, but when you do not want to even get up off the sofa, it’s hard to truly appreciate how blessed you really are. And for me, it is hard to try to stay positive and focused on a future that simply is not there, realistic, or in any feasible.
I am considering retiring Chewbacca, or at least to say, lowering his work load to 1 day a week in 2015. Luke may perhaps follow the same route, as well. It seems so pointless to me to drive them 2, or sometimes 3 days a week to pursue goals that simply cannot happen.
Chewbacca is still young; he will be 16 next year. That seems way too young to retire, but at the same time, I believe that both Luke (who will be 18 next year) and Chewbacca are bored with their work routines, and losing zest for it. I cannot offer them variety, challenge, or change of venue.
Chewbacca barely wants to work anymore, trying to motivate him to practice bending or lateral movements in the arena for 1/2 hour once a week has become a true challenge. He barely even has enough gusto to keep a decent trot in the arena. His road times have been slowing down. He still enjoys trails, and I would love to get him out to some new ones, but that is impossible.
Luke, although pushing 18, still has some energy to spare, but I have started seeing the limits of that energy happen. He’s still quick and feisty, but sometimes he just wants to be done with his work and that’s it. For Luke to say “no I don’t want to do that”, is really a shock, because he is a workaholic. Is it possible he is just getting bored, or starting to tap out on his energy resources… or just old enough to start doing less ?
And to what point is it to keep working them towards dressage tests I will never performs, cones courses I will never run, and marathons I will never navigate them around?
Is it me, perhaps, that has lost my zest? I pulled out all the stops this year, and accomplished nothing. And now it seems the stops have stopped and I don’t know what to do. The prospect of getting a 2nd job part time is on the horizon – yes, I am thinking about working 2 jobs to try to help bring in some extra money to help me accomplish my goals because I have a husband who simply will not get any job.
It is easier to sit home and do nothing. It is easier to have no responsibilities, no interests, no goals, and no ambitions, and no motivation. But that is not the life I want for myself.
I think 2014 has been a terribly disappointing year, and has probably also been the year where I’ve come to the most grips with my reality. I expect some big changes in 2015, but those changes will be unsatisfactory ones. And of course, 2014 is not over yet. If all goes as planned (which I admit, it rarely ever does), I will still have 1 big fiasco before the year is out, which I cannot wait for!